Sunday, April 14, 2013

The Bobfather



Coming soon, to a commonwealth near you.
It is June 4, 2011 at Virginia's Governor's Mansion. The host, Governor Bob McDonnell, never forgot his friends and neighbors, even though he now lived in a large butter-yellow federal style mansion. On a sunny Saturday afternoon, the friends of Governor McDonnell came to do him honor.

A small group of men had formed outside the office of Governor McDonnell, waiting to speak to him on the day of his daughter's wedding. Tucker Martin, the Bobfather's chief assistant stood at the door.

TUCKER MARTIN
He's not on the list, but Ken Cuccinelli wants to see you.

The Bobfather seems displeased.

BOB MCDONNELL
Is it necessary?

TUCKER MARTIN
You understand better than I do, but he was very grateful that you invited him to the wedding.

The Bobfather nodded and motioned for Ken Cuccinelli to be brought to him. Cuccinelli enters.

KEN CUCCINELLI
Thank you Bobfather for seeing me on this the day of your daughter's wedding.

BOB MCDONNELL
Thank you Ken.

KEN CUCCINELLI
On this day of your daughter's wedding allow me to wish that your first grandchild should be a masculine child.

BOB MCDONNELL
Thank you Ken . . .

KEN CUCCINELLI
And further, let me wish that if your daughter suffers complications during her pregnancy that endangers her health, then you will let her die, rather than let her exercise her constitutionally guaranteed right to choose.

BOB MCDONNELL
Ummm, okay. Thanks Ken.

Ken Cuccinelli is hustled out of the room. McDonnell motions to Tucker Martin.

BOB MCDONNELL
Who's next?

TUCKER MARTIN
Jonnie Williams, Sr.

BOB MCDONNELL
Show him in.

A nervous, shifty-eyed man enters.

JONNIE WILLIAMS, SR.
Thank you for seeing me, Bobfather.

BOB MCDONNELL
This is the day of my daughter's wedding; you know I cannot refuse.

JONNIE WILLIAMS, SR.
Bobfather, I need your help.

BOB MCDONNELL
What is it?

JONNIE WILLIAMS, SR.
Bobfather, I have all my money invested in a food supplement made from tobacco, a commodity most people associate with cancer.

BOB MCDONNELL
This is not my problem.

JONNIE WILLIAMS, SR.
Please, Bobfather, help me. Be my friend.

Williams begins sobbing. Bob McDonnell steps forward and slaps Jonnie Williams, Sr. across the face.

BOB MCDONNELL
Be a man!

JONNIE WILLIAMS, SR.
Please Bobfather, without you I am lost!

BOB MCDONNELL
Did you bring your checkbook?

JONNIE WILLIAMS, SR.
(sobs)
Yes Bobfather.

BOB MCDONNELL
Then make out a check for $15,000. Put "catering" in the memo space.

JONNIE WILLIAMS, SR.
Yes Bobfather.

BOB MCDONNELL
Now get out of here!

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